That is how I started the conversation with my sister this morning… Chris (my best friend) told me to talk to her – implored me to. After a late night cry with him over the issue, he told me I had no choice but to broach the subject with her. He assured me that if I was feeling this way, she likely was feeling the same way.

But I am the emotional one. I am the irrational one. I am the one who overthinks and blows things out of proportions… My sister is the calm, level headed one. However, while she seems logical and rational, she is probably more emotional that I am, she is just better a burying all those feelings.

“This may sound weird,” I started. She looked at me and stopped wiping the kitchen counter. “I don’t want to leave Mom all alone…” I started to well up and stopped because I couldn’t get the rest of my sentence out. I tried again to speak, but couldn’t.

“You don’t have to say anything, I know exactly what you mean.” She said, fighting her own tears.

I finally looked up at her, and her eyes – Mom’s eyes – were filled to the brim with tears. She couldn’t speak. “If we are not ready, we are not ready.” She finally got the sentence out.

We decided a couple weeks ago to spread Mom’s ashes. Just a very quiet, private, short trip to the mountains. Our Mom was a very private person. She didn’t want a fuss and left any funeral plans up to us. While we tossed the idea around about a larger gathering, in the end, we decided to just take Mom to one of her favourite places, remember her, and spread her ashes.

And it seemed totally okay at the time. We booked places to stay, people booked time off work.

Then yesterday, I got a feeling. Maybe it started before that, I don’t know. But yesterday, it grew so strong, I couldn’t contain it any longer. Chris assured me I should go with the feeling, if I felt it wasn’t time, I needed to explore that and not stifle how I was feeling. Regardless of where the feeling came from or how it came about, I needed to honour my feelings regarding it.

My sister didn’t say much more about why she agreed, she didn’t need to. She agreed, that’s all that mattered. Her reasons were hers. Of course, we had to run it past our brother, who, thankfully, was also okay with it. He didn’t ask why, he simply agreed.

We are still taking our trip, we will celebrate her life and spend time together remembering and being together. But sharing our Mom with the world will have to wait… Until we are ready, which may be some day, but it isn’t today.