I was sitting here, late this Saturday evening, rethinking the day I’ve had. My siblings and I all gathered at Mom’s – to collect some stuff, talk about a few things, and eventually meet with my Dad and step-Mom to celebrate my step-Mom’s 70th birthday. All went well. It was a good day.

Yesterday, I was looking through the pictures on my Mom’s phone and texted myself a few.

MISTAKE.

I got so excited (and confused) when I looked at my phone and had texts from her. Her face smiling at me. It was a gut punch.

Tonight, I opened my computer to so some banking, the picture of my Mom from her obituary greeted me. Now, it is a stranger picture – I mean, it is a great picture of my Mom from a happier time. However, I engineered it to remove my niece out of out and they were each holding a piece of cake, so her hands are in an awkward position. But her smile is amazing, and she looks so healthy and joyous.

It made me cry.

I felt so incredibly guity. Did we make the right choices for her? Did we give up to soon? Did we try hard enough? Did we, did we, did we? All the questions swirling in my head (and are swirling in my head). Eating me up, hurting my heart.

And then the disbelief. How can my mother be dead? Like honest to all that there is – how in the world can my beautiful mother be gone? I look at her face and I just can’t even imagine it. It seems so ridiculously insane and improbable.

How can I never call her again? Text her? The Star Trek movies were on… The weekends I stayed at her house, that was what we did. Ordered pizza and watched Star Trek. Seeing them on TV made me cry, but not before I thought “OH! I should text Mom and let her know they are on.” When I realized I could not text her, I texted my sister.

She reminded me I will always have that memory. I want to be okay with that, but today, memories are not enough, today? Tonight? I want my Mom.