I had to have a think on this. Not because I haven’t felt surrounded by love lately, I have, but because how am I feeling it is different. How am I internalizing it, how is it showing up for me, how am I processing it, how am I accepting it. Am I accepting it?

People in my orbit have been amazing. My best friend (Chris), my sister (also my best friend), my step-brother checks in regularly. My husband listens to me all the time. The women in my yoga teacher training have been a wonderful support system, the women at my women’s circle have listened and made me feel a little less crazy. Old friends have reached out.

People are all around me propping me up, holding me strong, keeping me going. Making me feel loved. I appreciate it deeply. But it is a weird feeling. Smile, nod, say thank you, keep moving forward.

My sister and I have spoken about this. Losing our Mom is surreal. Our Mom was eternal. She had this quality about her that made you think she was immortal. At 78, she was on a couple of puffers and that was it. Believing she is gone just seems unbelievable and so while I am going through the motions and I feel all the love and I feel surrounded, I feel empty. Part of me is missing and l can’t seem to accept the love because I feel like I won’t be whole again.

There is this weird distrust circling me right now. It isn’t exactly like I think everyone around me is going to die, but there is this sense now that they could. So while everyone is supportive and making me feel loved, I worry and it is like I am holding it all at arms length because of a bad case of the what ifs.

I know I am loved and cared about. Deeply, by many people. In many different ways. As a friend, sibling, parent, partner. People are showing up for me, helping me and taking care of the things I don’t have the bandwidth for. It is hard to accept. Hard to accept offers of help. But whether it is a text from a friend, a call from a sibling, or a note from a cousin, with each successive contact, I realize that I am not alone and the care is genuine. I will keep working on accepting it all.