I was fourteen when I met Erin. She was amazing. Far too cool to be dating my brother. Tall, beautiful, so cool, with black lace, Madonna-esque high heeled shoes, she breezed into our house, coming to meet us for dinner the first time. I was stunned! SHE WAS SO COOL. She worked at a car wash, had been on her own for a long time, talked a mile a minute, and had so many fun stories. I wondered what she saw in my brother. He was such a weirdo…

I got to know her over the next few months, and she really was a force. Bright, loud, fun, exciting, and an excellent cook. She had ambition. She brought my brother out of his shell and had him doing all kinds of things he’d never dream of doing. Going to clubs, hanging out with people. Going to movies, doing fun things… AND! She really liked me, so I often got to tag along with them. Such an exciting summer for me! Time marched on and eventually, they moved in together and talked marriage.

Many weekends, I got to stay with them, and we got up to all sorts. Erin was the kind of girl who did things at weird times. She’d make dinner at 2pm, bake cookies at midnight, and clean the house at 5am. We’d sleep all day and run to the convenience store with rolls of pennies at 6am for cigarettes and licorice. She did things on her terms, and it was so exciting to me, a young girl from a small town. There was nothing she could not do.

But I was a troubled teenager, and I don’t know if me spending time with them was part of some plan of hers to try and get me to right myself, but it didn’t really work. I kept sliding down my depressed path. My grades slipped, I kept looking for love in all the wrong places, and I floundered. The weekends at their apartment were magical, but I still had to go back to reality, the reality I didn’t like. Where I was teased, and everything was wrong (for whatever reason I may have perceived).

Eventually, I dropped out of high school, and Erin’s grand plan was to get me a job with her at “Carlos O’Grady’s” where she worked. Now, as the name implies, it was a Mexican Irish restaurant on Bourbon Street in West Edmonton Mall. I am chuckling to myself now because, boy oh boy… What a thought she had. Young women in kitchens are just, well… Meat. I was no different. To the head chef, I was just, well… Fresh meat to feel up, kiss, and make feel ‘welcome’. I was fifteen and completely flattered! How was I to know I was just another dishwasher/prep cook? Now, I wasn’t stupid, I knew I wasn’t going to be the next girlfriend, but… Every chance that chef got, he was leading me back to the walk-in fridge or freezer to <edit text here to keep the memory PG friendly>. Thankfully, Erin did warn me to not fall for the canned steam! She didn’t warn me about the handsy chef!

We danced in the rain in our underwear, we washed laundry in the bathtub with our feet because we didn’t have money for the laundromat. We even dumpster-dived looking for my brother’s lost paycheque AN HOUR before I was to attend my boyfriend’s prom!! I was knee-deep in the dumpster rooting through stuff, with my hair all done up beautifully, looking for his stupid cheque AND then I couldn’t shower, because the tub was full of laundry! But oh, we laughed when we found the cheque in the kitchen the next day.

She was chaos. She was my best friend.

When my pieces broke, she picked me up every, single time. Erin was who I called always. There was never anyone in my world quite like her. Then or since. But her chaos proved to be too much for my brother and eventually, they parted ways. My brother broke her heart. So, I chose her. I adored her. She was my best friend and my big sister. While I understood why he needed to end it with her, part of me has never forgiven him for it. Even now, as I write this, I wonder if things had gone differently…

Shortly after they broke up, my brother met someone else and had a child. Almost exactly nine months after he had his son, she had hers. All along, I was involved in both boy’s lives. Erin and I remained close, spending time together, talking on the phone, sharing our lives. Until one day, she decided she needed to move away. It was a good move for her, she spent a good four years or so, living in the next province. We talked all the time still, thank goodness for unlimited long distance.

But, as many do, she came back. I know she was here for my wedding as she was here for my wedding (and my brother wasn’t, he and his family were sick). She was at my baby shower, and we spent many hours on the phone after my kiddo was born… But it was then that things started to be a little stranger than usual.

She had met someone through her son’s hockey league. He was the head coach of the team. Erin was managing the team, so they were in close contact and while he was married, she said, they had a connection. I wasn’t one to judge, I supported her. She deserved good things. But it was weird, she talked about messages in songs. Initially, I thought she meant she was hearing meanings in songs. She’d keep me on the phone for hours talking about him, new love is exciting, so I was compassionate and understanding, although a bit confused. Then things started happening at work for her. Weird things. More messages in songs. He was sending her messages. About love and how he was going to be with her. She’d been reprimanded at work twice for things. Not doing her job and for acting inappropriately. Something was wrong.

I admit I was confused, much of what she was telling me didn’t make much sense, so I would ask her questions. “He’s sending you messages? Through songs on the radio?” Erin would confirm and then tell me he was also sending notes through his Facebook statuses as well. She would read them to me. To me, they had nothing to do with her, but I didn’t know how to tell her that, other than to be direct. I’m not good at direct, so I was subtle and so I would suggest that perhaps it wasn’t quite what she thought. She was insistent. If finally got so bad, I spoke to my husband, he agreed something was wrong. But what could we do? He suggested I reach out to some of her other friends.

I did and I got screamed at. Sworn at. Told to f**k off and leave her alone. She was finally happy and what kind of terrible *expletive* friend was I? This was not just one friend I reached out to; it was two other ‘best’ friends of hers that I’d known almost as long as I’d known Erin. My heart was broken. Was I crazy? Was I not seeing something?

I decided to let it go. I tried to turn the conversations in a different direction when she went down that road. It wasn’t easy. She wanted to talk about him all the time. Later that spring, my family had a big camping trip planned, we invited her along. Eagerly, she and her son came.

And so did her strange musings. She used my stepfather’s computer to access the internet to check messages from her ‘boyfriend’… It had gotten out of hand. She was still having issues with work too. After that camping trip, she had a real problem at work.

“They evacuated the building at work today, Corrie, and left me there, alone on my floor.”

While I cannot prove that they didn’t leave her alone, it was shortly after that she lost her job. She’d been with the government for 10 years at that point. I couldn’t help her. I didn’t know how. I decided I needed some space. It was a terrible decision to have to make, but I needed to regroup.

I avoided her phone calls for a few weeks while I thought about what to do. When I connected with her next, she was still in a bad place. Convinced people were talking about her, that her friend was sending her messages.

I spoke with her son, he figured she was just lonely. He wasn’t too scared. But I decided it was time to call her family. I called her brother and explained what I had experienced, and he asked me what I expected him to do about it. I believe by this time, her Mom must have passed, my memory is hazy, and her Dad was still in BC. I know her sister was gone. The brother was the only hope…

They did get her in a program and my old Erin came back. After a few weeks, she was allowed visitors. She told me she remembered it was like a veil lifting. She could remember seeing all the messages and how real it seemed and how sure she was of it all. But it seemed like a dream She wasn’t quite sure how it all happened.

I was so relieved for her! Encouraged that she was finding her way. It would be hard work, but she had many who loved her, and I’d be there for her.

Sadly, she didn’t stay long. While I don’t remember now the exact conversation, it was not a positive one and I lost her. She was convinced that ‘someone’ was trying to get her. She lost her car first, then her home. Her son did manage to finish school. He moved in with friends in the end, the reasons why, I don’t really know.

I ran into her and her son a few years ago in a grocery story parking lot. She looked the same, but the friend I once knew was gone. We didn’t have any more in common than mere acquaintances.

I always wondered if there was more I should have done to help her. Looking back, I feel I could have done more. At the time, I felt I did everything I could have done. I have to make my peace with it, she was a beautiful and troubled friend. I hope she has found her place in the world.